What causes you suffering?

It’s a great ice breaker to ask, “what causes you suffering?”

I’ve been asking people this lately and they tell me immediately and seem relieved to be asked so directly.  

This is what happens if you read too much Thich Nhat Hanh. You get all Buddhist about things. You might even start applying stuff from the book. 

Validate others even when you don’t feel like it; recognize efforts even if they’re out of your scope of interest. It’s easy to do and takes almost no energy and actually gives back energy because it supports connection and builds understanding. Everybody comes out at a higher vibe. 

Other times, people are annoying. Yesterday while moving through my day, I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and other people seemed dazed, lost, in the way, confused, slow, undecided. I was stumped. It was like trying to move through slow-motion fish on downers. 

I had to practice being patient and being forgiving. 

My mom taught me my best values. As my brother Lance mentioned the other day, “I miss her inherent wisdom.”

She taught me to notice plants. I was mostly bored by this, but it finally stuck and now I notice plants. Yesterday, I pitched tree articles to a magazine I write for and they said yes. So I write about trees now and I like that. 

I bought a gingko tree over the weekend. At the check-out, I asked if it was hardy. The employee said it was the oldest of trees, like maybe the first tree, and also “gingkos survived Hiroshima.” I had not been thinking about trees or people being bombed that day until that conversation.

Back to suffering.

Someone told me about being upset and worried about a problem that had been going on for months. She had ideas and solutions but they were all from her own head. Outside guidance was needed. She invited a core team of friends over for French toast and coffee. A lively problem-solving discussion followed. She was overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, and worried, which led to asking for help. People helped. Most people want to help. Our friends care about us and want us to be ok. 

Make French toast, pour coffee, talk it out. This person was a step braver than most and also asked for honest feedback, as in, was she seeing things clearly? Should she consider other options? 

I love this. Try it out if you need help or support or ideas. 

What causes me suffering is to lose patience with things that are out of my control. What helps reduce suffering is to recognize others’ suffering. If I can do this, I learn how to go about things with a wider awareness.