I haven’t talked about my presidential campaign for quite a while. There have been a lot of distractions.
I want to be perfectly up-front, I support open carry. Oregon already is open carry, but I will push for all states to fall in line. By open carry, of course I mean the open carry of your cat. Remember, every household gets one as part of my package for all Americans. You don’t want a cat? Why not open carry burritos? freshly baked bread? Cabbage? Books?
Keep reading if you’d like to learn more about my platform for 2020.
Recent studies suggest that collective compassion is excellent for public health. My plan is to install empathy fueling stations in both red and blue states. Empathy, though difficult to visualize, does affect our shared environment positively. It increases emotional awareness by 85 gallons per fill-up. It doesn’t deplete any resources, but rather increases resources. People start to give a shit about each other. Once you add empathy into the mix, we see an uptick in pure compassion emissions.
It’s not going to all be easy and fun because that would offend someone. In practical terms, there is work to be done and we Americans need to get to work. The more we clean up our act, the more we reduce taxes: outrage tax; resentment of others tax; and shifting blame tax.
There will be several pilot optimal citizen programs, opportunities for community mingling and crossover discussions. We’ll start small, for example, meetings between people who take baths and people who take showers.
Walking in your own neighborhood will become a national sport. Extra points go to saying hello to your neighbor. No one wins so no one has to lose. This will all work on the honor system because it’s time to bring back honor.
Environmental issues will become most unifying when it lowers taxes. Money talks, and if we make it profitable to save the planet, the planet will be saved. You have a house 1500 sq. ft. or less? Tax cut. An electric vehicle? Tax cut. A dwelling under 800 sq. ft with a yard? Tax cut, plus a goat herd.
Growing your own veggies? Tax credit. No children? A canoe is delivered to your door. Yes, you can keep it if you have children later. It’s a good team-building vessel. Paddling together is a great unifier.
Commute to work by foot, bike, or bus? Amazon gift cards shall appear at your door. Let’s switch to horses for all amazon deliveries. More people and horses will have work, and they both need work.
One way toward building democracy starts by eating heirloom polenta.
My campaign is fine tuning slogans. No, it won’t be the polenta one. That was just a recent in-the-moment inspiration. I’ve been doing some word play and one idea wraps around agreement to co-conspire toward collusions of integrity.
My campaign slogan will take the form of a haiku:
Time to co-conspire
Collude toward uplifting
All Americans
I think we need more humility. I do believe the mushrooms shall inherit the earth.
I wants a goat herd and a canoe!!! this was truly your most bold, snotty, true and inspired work to date! you have found your wings and those suckers lift you high and fast! such fun! now, how are you not in some witty magazine that people read while sipping lattes? seriously! you need to reach beyond the Quaker Jollies and Ground Tuber Monthly and the time is now! I am really very proud of you. show the flag, and own it- and then share it!!!
Good thoughts! Can I get beyond Quaker Jollies and Ground Tuber Monthly?? It was a blast to write, so at least I was amused.